All You Need is Love

Last night I had a dream that I was a young girl playing in the open woods landscaped with rolling hills and a light snow blanketing the ground. I stumbled upon a large hole at the top of a hill, which I knew was a cave harboring an animal of some sort. I yelled into the cave and stomped my feet on the ground to wake up whatever was dormant within. Soon, a large creature stirred and came rumbling to the opening. When I realized it what it was, I ran down the hill and hid myself in a small shelter made of large rocks, waiting for the beast to come get me. Before long, I felt its breath on my legs as it slid its head into my shelter. It was a wolf. He had a body the size of a horse and fur as white as the snow with clouds of grey around its face and neck. As I looked him in the eye, all my fear melted away and I reached out my hand to lightly pet the fur on his face. With both hands I held his head and felt nothing but love for this great creature.

When I awoke, I looked up the meaning of the wolf in a book of mine, and it is believed to represent the untamed demons that prowl our psyche. The dreamer is therefore called to bravely face the wolf’s onslaught in order to bring resolution to internal conflicts. Often in fairy tales and dreams, the wise child is the one that outsmarts these ravenous predators.

So here I am, this small child, outsmarting this monstrous creature by coaxing it out of the deep, dark places in my mind and body, looking it in the face, and loving it whole-heartedly instead of fearing it as I always have. It wants me to fear it, for fear is the nourishment that feeds it and helps it grow. Love is the medicine that transforms even the most evil of our demons into good. Cancer doesn’t stand a chance against love. Who would have thought that the secret to my cure would come to me in a dream.

I have done a lot of work on myself over the past week. Spending hours in deep meditation, in search of the source of my dis-ease, as well as the source of my light. I discovered through my work that the root of my sickness is in the lack of love that I have felt for myself. I have always had this incredible capacity to love others unconditionally, but never have I been able to do this for myself. It is time I open my eyes to my own beauty inside and out and love every little piece of it. This is how true healing happens. 

Be the Change You Wish to See

There is an ancient story that tells of a time when man had a symbiotic relationship with the animals that he killed for food. The night before a hunt, he would pray and make offerings to them, and in turn, the animals would sacrifice themselves to be hunted and eaten. One day, man selfishly killed more than the animals were willing to sacrifice, and to restore the balance of the fragile system, one of the people in his tribe became sick.

Today, as the earth’s resources become depleted, humanity as a whole is sick. We are trapped in a cycle of gluttony fueled by a need for security, which we attempt to satiate by consuming more. We are blindly rolling down a road toward extinction and in order to avoid this, there must be a drastic change. We hear that 2012 is “The Year of Change,” but so far, the only change I see is for the worst. People are getting fatter, sicker and further from the truth. But as it goes with any sickness, it must get worse before it gets better.

Right now we are living so far outside of ourselves, constantly looking for our self-worth in the amount of text messages and facebook comments we receive, comparing ourselves to the people we see in the media, or getting a high status job. If we were able to receive affirmations from within ourselves, we wouldn’t need external validation. In order to truly heal, we must go within, back to the truth of our nature. This is where I started. I am launching this revolution within myself in hopes of seeing it in others. Be the change you wish to see in the world.

The way I see it, my diagnosis with cancer came in perfect timing. Had I kept going the rate I was, unconsciously swallowing the values of a society that I have never agreed with, I would be continuing to contribute to the downfall of our race. Instead, I feel that I have been given a very important role in the awakening of humans to our dis-ease. The healing that has to be done within myself is parallel with the healing that has to be done in all of humanity. So I am learning everything I can about wellness so that I may heal myself and, in turn, be part of the healing of every human. This healing cannot be done with pharmaceuticals and surgeries. In fact, those things are what have kept us so sick in the first place by suppressing the symptoms and covering up the true problem. A change is in order.

Whatever this change may be, it is starting right now. I can feel it. The time has come to clear away the illusions of security and self worth that fuel our egos, making us selfish and judgmental. We must go back to our roots and re-build the relationship we have with the earth and all of its inhabitants, including ourselves and the animals and plants we eat. We can no longer take more than our share, because there is no longer enough. When we learn to heal within, we learn to live without the need for external sources of fulfillment. It is here, within myself, that I will start this needed change. 

Sun Salutations

Sometimes, when life hands you lemons, you decide to squeeze them in your eyes and wallow in the pain before you can learn to make lemonade. I guess you could say that’s what I did for a few weeks after I moved, but then the day came when I realized feeling sorry for myself was not helping my situation. Time to woman up and kick some ass.

I believe that the few weeks of darkness were a very necessary part of my journey. We will never be able to fully appreciate the light until we have been immersed in the dark. But then the day came when the sun reached out its golden tentacles and radiated my world. I began to see all that I have to be grateful for instead of being sad for all I have lost. I love living with mom and little sister Sam. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the magnificence and courage of these two women. On days when I struggle carrying the weight of life, they swoop in with their angel wings and lift me back to my feet. I am living with two of the greatest healers I have ever met. 

I stumbled upon some incredible people in this city that have also laid bricks in my path to wellness. I am working with a naturopath/homeopath from Venezuela, whose accent is almost as thick as his long black hair. We both knew right away that we would be a good match. On days that I don’t see him, I get acupuncture and yoga classes from his wife, who is a cancer survivor herself, and did it all naturally. It gives me so much hope to be working with someone who has walked my path with great success. These two people have submerged me into the world of alternative medicine, and with the support of their extensive medical background, I feel that I am in very good hands. The best part is, they work out of their home, which is a stone’s throw away from mine. These people, along with a few others that I have collided with in this city, are helping me build my foundation. I am living in a mecca for alternative healing; it’s ridiculously easy to find people who support me. I am in the right place.

A few weeks ago, I felt like I was standing at the foot of a vastly large mountain, looking up at the treacherous climb I had ahead of me. Without having taken the first few steps, reaching the top seemed insurmountable. But now that I have made my first precious strides, I have gained momentum, and the peak of this mountain doesn’t seem so far away.

Our Longest Journey is From the Head to the Heart

Pain. Can’t go around it, can’t go over it, got to go through it. My sister said this to me today and I was mad because I knew she was right. These times of despair that have gripped my life, holding all hope hostage, sometimes feel endless. That’s the nature of despair; it makes you feel like it will be around forever, like you will never be able to overturn the mighty leader that you never even asked to rule your world. I am so tired of being tired. It’s time to emancipate my mental slavery, as Bob Marley says, none but ourselves can free our minds.

There is a reason the tumor is in my throat. Too many years of not speaking my truth and shoving feelings down has created an obstruction in the very narrow passageway that connects my head to my heart. I am being forced to fight my way into myself to go deeper, and listen to the voice I have been ignoring for far too long. It’s time to stop thinking with my thoughts and start thinking with my heart. Unfortunately, my heart has been neglected after a life of learning to listen to my mind. The society we live in is one that honors the rational mind more than our heart voice, or intuition. We have forgotten how powerful intuition is; it is what connects us with the universe, the earth, each other and ourselves.

When I was given my diagnosis, it was my intuition that took over and said no, I will not do a treatment just because it is what everyone else who has cancer does. By all rational societal standards, what I am doing may seem crazy, but I do not believe humans are meant to heal by taking magical pills to erase our physical symptoms. And if it were, then why is almost half of our country still dying of cancer?

In a way, everyone has cancer. We all have our own cancerous demons that we face everyday, which keep us from reaching our highest potential. We become burdened by life’s inevitable traumas and entrapped in our emotional cycles. This can be anything from laziness, to anger, to depression, and whether we are aware of it or not, we are plagued by these emotions that keep us reacting to life instead of just being. I feel fortunate that I am forced to face my demons early in life. My body has created a distress signal warning me that if I do not change, I will die. I am given the opportunity right now to free myself from the negativity that I cannot afford to live with any longer. But now is the hard part. There is no way around it; I have to go through it. And I have a lot of work to do. But I can see the light at the end of this tunnel, and it is more beautiful than anything I have ever experienced.