The Last War Trail

I have been called to battle. In my life, I have faced armies of darkness that have outnumbered me, and my body has suffered an illness for having fought relentlessly for so long. But all that is about to change.

In old western movies, one would lay their ear to the ground to listen for the triumphant rumble of the  awaited cavalry coming from the distance. This is the same victorious sound that I hear. I have called for backup and my troops of light are arriving. While this battle against cancer may have been a tumultuous one, there is one thing that remains clear beyond all doubt.

I will win this war.

When the Levee Breaks

Throughout this blog I have focused mainly on my own healing journey, but I would like to acknowledge that this isn’t just about me. It’s about you. And every human on this earth. For we, as beings on this planet at this time, have something to heal, and it is becoming overwhelmingly obvious. People are sick. The majority of this country is on some sort of medication, plagued by mental, emotional and physical dis-ease. We hear more about debt, divorce, depression, poverty, pollution, sickness and war than we do about community, trust and love. We are quickly reaching a population that this earth cannot sustain. In a realistic forecast, the future is bleak. But in this illusive tunnel vision, there is a light at the end. For if it keeps on raining, the levee is gonna break. Contrary to what one may think, this is the good news. For I believe that we must get hit by the tidal wave of darkness to be able to see which direction there is light. We must heal together, as a tribe. So with my healing, I heal you, and with your healing, you heal me, and with our healing, we heal all.

I am about to embark on the pilgrimage that I have been waiting for since the beginning of this healing odyssey, perhaps the beginning of this life. I leave this week for Bali, where I will spend the winter solstice and the following few months living in an ashram and working with a Balinese guru named Ratu Bagus. This man does not call himself a healer, for he believes that each person is their own healer, and the healing is ultimately up to each individual. He has an incredible understanding of energy, and in the short time that I have studied from him I have come to understand one very important thing: everything is energy. He talks about how humans will often incur certain energetic blocks throughout the body, which result in dis-ease. This is something that resonates so strongly with me because I have believed since day one that this cancer is merely a manifestation of blocked energy, producing what doctors would call a tumor. Of course Ratu has the solution for ridding the body of these blocks. It’s called Bio-energetic Shaking Meditation (or simply ‘shaking’) and it is exactly what it sounds like. I’ll post a movie here for those who want to see more, but in essence, it is a means of rapidly and effectively moving energy in one’s own body, with out the help of anyone else. While it may look strange, it is one of the most powerful things I have ever done.

So I am going to this ashram to shake for many hours each day and energetically break the levees in my body, allowing the energy to flow freely, and liberating myself of the blocks that have caused illness. With this trip, I take a step out of the tunnel and into the light, where I surrender to the love of the Universe and truly allow the healing to happen. This is it, y'all.

I don’t know if the end of the world will arrive with this solstice, but I do believe that a drastic change is happening—for me, for this planet, and for all the beings on it. We are all in it together.

…The mountains and the canyons start to tremble and shake

as the children of the sun begin to awake…

-Led Zeppelin

Lessons in Love

In the last several weeks, I have gone through more than can be said in one blog entry. But one thing has become profoundly clear with the time that has passed. The power of love is greater than cancer.

Cancer is not just a tumor. Cancer is the manifestation of certain dark energies that have attached themselves to my body. This may take the form of negative emotions, such as anger or guilt; or perhaps it’s the fear that slithers its sly tentacles into my psyche, paralyzing me and blinding me from the truth; or maybe it’s simply the evil energies that exist in this world that want to keep me from radiating my light. In any case, cancer is a lack of love. Well I got news for you, cancer. The gig is up. I am finally learning to love myself. True love must always begin within ourselves.

The greatest part about cancer is that it has shown me the exact places that I need to start. When we are sick, the illness manifests in certain parts of our bodies. This is the body’s way of telling us to pay attention to this area, for there is something to be learned and released. How incredibly intelligent our bodies are. In my years of being sick, I have noticed patterns. I am often attacked in my lungs and my throat, making it hard for me to breathe, speak and sing. From this I understand that these are the exact weaknesses that I must strengthen. So I learn to deeply breathe in every drop of life and fully exhale all that does not serve me. I try to speak my truths, and sing my songs, and not be concerned with what anyone else thinks. This is how I am learning to love myself.

It has been almost a year since I was diagnosed, and to track my progress, I had a PET scan done last week. The results were interesting. The part of the tumor that had weaseled its way into my chest and around my heart had retreated, leaving my chest clear. While there are still other lymph nodes in my neck that doctors are concerned about, I have physical evidence that the work I have done in the past year has freed my heart. How’s that for the power of love.

I believe there are two ways to live life: In fear, or in faith. I have chosen faith. Faith that I am on the right path, faith that I am healing, and faith that I will overcome this darkness and go on and help other people overcome theirs. Above all, I have faith that love always wins.

Como un Río

I have spent so much of my time on this river of life paddling with all my strength against the current. I didn’t even realize how exhausting this truly was until I let go of the paddles, leaned back into the water, and allowed the river carry me as I released all effort, stress and fear. This river of life embraces us as we are pulled through its twists and turns, its rapids and whirlpools, as well as its smooth and clear waters; but the key to enjoying the ride is to surrender to the flow and allow all illusion of control to dissolve into the water along with our worries and judgments. True liberation comes in following the natural, synchronized flow guided by the earth’s forces. Just like the river. Como un río.

I am at a very interesting time in my journey. I have come a long way in my healing and traveled thousands of miles in search of deep understanding and remedy for my ailments. But now everything seems to have quieted. There is a part of me that can’t help but feel that it is a needed calm before a great force of movement; like the stillness that follows the exhale while anticipating the expansion of the next inhale. So here I am. In between breaths.

I leave tomorrow for a trip to California with my soul sister Samantha and our big, sweet dog. We are driving south with only a little money, food, camping gear and clean underwear. We are looking for adventure, perspective, connection and healing. One may not think that this is what a cancer recovery regime looks like, but to me, this trip symbolizes my ability to let go of the reins that I have held onto with white knuckles for so long, and settle with ease into the flow of life. This freedom from stress, frustration, judgment and anxiety has brought me greater healing than I ever could have imagined. I feel unbound and worry free in a time where, in the past, I would have been high on fumes of fear and unease. This serene tranquility has brightened my world, often bringing me to question: What cancer?

Happy (Re)birthday

On September 16^th, 1987, I came into this world after a painfully drawn out and reluctantly induced labor. I did not want to come out. When I finally did make my first appearance, my lungs were not able to function properly, holding me hostage to medical machinery for the first week of my life. Though my survival may have been questioned at first, there was no doubt that I was a fighter, strong enough to pull through as a healthy and determined being, ready to take on the world.

With the arrival of my 25^th birthday I find myself filled with gratitude for the strength and fortune that I was blessed with in this life. In my short time on this planet, I have confronted some of the greatest challenges that many humans will face in their lifetime. With courage I have welcomed the changes that have altered just about every area of my existence. And I have lived to tell the tale.

Today I have much to celebrate. I rejoice my life in each moment and I give thanks to the strength and protection that has helped me fight for my health and happiness. I never for one second doubted that I would beat this cancer and live to see this beautiful day. I have stood my ground against armies of people who do not believe in what I am doing because they do not understand. I have not allowed my fears to ride shotgun on this road trip; I have listened to my heart and spoken my truth, and I have found more healing in doing this than any pharmaceutical could offer. I know I am doing this right.

This year my birthday falls on the new moon. This day is symbolic of renewal and rebirth. A time to stick to our truths and allow all else that does not serve us to be released. How appropriate that I celebrate the passing of year of learning to let go and speak my truth and I emerge into my next chapter of this life transformation. I celebrate this time of rebirth and welcome it with open arms.

La Transformación

It’s hard to put into words what I have experienced over the past three weeks of my life. I have traveled across oceans and countries to find the place deep within myself that I needed to make peace with. And that is exactly what I did. But in order to cultivate the deep transformation I sought, I had to wade through certain dark waters that had flooded my soul over lifetimes. As I fought my way through jungles of my own darkness, there arose moments of anger and frustration for having chosen such a difficult path. Yet I never questioned whether I had chosen the right path. For with each step I took, I was assured I that was headed in the right direction. Eventually, the dark clouds parted, my demons waved their white flags, and I welcomed light into my life. 
It’s time to shine.

I found the medicine I was looking for. I found it in the plants of the ancient jungle; I found it in the hands of the many healers I worked with; in the magical words and songs of the shaman; in the powerful energy of fresh water, air and blessed food; in the ocean’s swells as it cleansed my body and the sun’s rays as it warmed my soul; and in the unconditional love I received from myself and the many beautiful people I stumbled upon in my journey.

I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned. I discovered the power of my voice and was able to sing and speak in a way I never have before. I learned how to accept myself and this world for exactly as it is right now; for it is exactly as it should be. I learned that making plans is useless. Life unfolds the way it will and I have no hold on the reins. Letting go of the idea that I am in control is one of the most freeing feelings of my life. Moreover, I now understand how to receive. Be it help, food, medicine, touch or love, it is essential to be able to whole-heartedly receive the things I need to sustain my own vitality, and not be solely giving out, as I have always done. In truly receiving, we show more gratitude to the giver than words can say.

Above all, I learned the power of love over darkness. Love always wins.

While I still have much more work to do, I feel like I have laid the foundation for greater healing to take place. I have gained a confidence in my work and a drive to keep persevering.

On my last night in Cahuita, a sleepy beach town on the Caribbean coast, I sat with a dear friend on the beach, whispering together in Spanish as we listened to the waves tumble themselves onto the sand and gazed at the thick expanse of glistening stars. As a star whizzed across the sky, I pondered my wish upon the shooting star, but quickly realized, I have nothing to wish for. I have everything I need and everything is perfect. In fact, I have more to be grateful for than I could ever imagine.

With that, I give thanks to everything that has helped me on my journey. To the earth, to the stars, to the Universe and to all the people who have supported and loved me through thick and thin, and helped me get to this beautiful country to do the profound healing that I have done. You know who you are. Finally, I give thanks to my cancer. For it has been the catalyst for the most amazing, transformative journey I could not have dreamed to be anymore beautiful.

Salud. 

Mother Knows Best

Last week I was given the opportunity to go surfing off the Oregon coast. It was an incredible feeling being held and carried by the strength of the ocean’s swells as she breathed in and out over the coastline. I was pushed and pulled by her ebbs and flows as if there was no separation between my body and the water that embraced me. As I was gently rocking in this cradle of the sea, I was reminded of a quote from the Tao Te Ching: “Nothing is softer and more flexible than water, yet nothing is superior in dissolving the hard and rigid. The weak overcomes the strong, the soft overcomes the hard.” There is so much power in the gentle element of water; it helps create, support and destroy life with no effort. Water is just one of the many miraculous gifts given to us by our generously yielding planet. The earth’s most natural resources provide everything humans need to survive and be well. We must try to remember this as we grow more and more detached from it.

I believe that all of the solutions to humanity’s ailments lie in the very foundation that we walk on, the air that we breath, the waters that cleanse and hydrate us, the plants that nourish us, and the sun that sheds its vital energy. The earth’s resources have supported our species since our very humble beginnings, but we are now so detached from our Mother with our industrialized, technology ridden, fast paced lives that we have broken our symbiotic relationship with the one source that can help us the most. Instead, we stain her with our pollutants and in turn, we become more and more sick. We are slowly destroying the very thing that has the ability to make us well.

I leave today to go on an adventure back to the earth. I am going to the depths of the Costa Rican jungle in order to re-connect with this source that I have become so disjointed from living in a society that does not honor it. The most potent and reliable medicine comes strait from our Mother earth, and if we can learn how to use this medicine again, the way our ancestors once did with great success, I believe we can and will become well. This is the medicine that I believe in.

I will try to keep y'all posted if I get to a computer at some point. Stay tuned!

Hasta Luego

Sarita

La Pura Vida

Viaje in Spanish means journey or travel. When I titled my blog Los Viajes de Sarita Osita I knew that I was embarking on a profound journey to the depths of my being. In order to access this, however, I knew my exploration would also take me to far reaches of this magnificent earth, pulling me out of my geographic comfort zone and into new perspectives lent only by new environments. This part of my journey has finally come. In two weeks I leave for Costa Rica.

When I first received the diagnosis, my initial thought was, get the hell out of this country. Not because I was told there was a number on my days and I had to fulfill some dying wish to see the world, but because I knew, just knew, that my medicine would not be found here. Granted, I have been a bit traumatized by Western medicine, as I think anyone would if they had spent the last four years in sterile waiting rooms only to spend 15 minutes reciting my list of health issues to a jaded individual in a lab coat, who would barely look me in the eye before sending me off with another expensive prescription that always did more harm than good. No, I was done with hearing “Well, I’m not really sure what’s wrong with you, but take this pill and call me if it gets any worse….”
I had to find answers and I knew that they would not come in the form of stethoscopes, florescent lights and pharmaceuticals. I needed to get to the jungle.

So I spent the next few arduous months in search of someone who could guide me in my search-for-the-cure jungle safari. But no one came, and I couldn’t just go by myself (my mom would never let me). So finally, I gave up. I surrendered my wish to the Universe, and with that I was taught one of my greatest lessons thus far. Trust. For everything we need we will be given in perfect timing, and when I was meant to go to that jungle, I would go.

Sure enough, as soon as I stopped searching, I received an email one idle Tuesday asking me if I would like to come visit the heart of Costa Rica’s vast jungle and work with a well-known Peruvian shaman studying plant medicines and receiving intensive healing work. Somehow, my story had traveled by word of mouth down to the ears of people who have the answers I am looking for and want to share them with me. Within minutes I had RSVPed and within days I had a plane ticket. The first part of my trip in Costa Rica will be spent working closely with the woman shaman, while attending all the classes offered as part of the all-inclusive healing retreat: yoga, meditation, music, art, dance, cooking, and of course jungle exploration. Following the retreat, I will find myself a plot of pristine, sun kissed white sandy beach, where I will bask in the sun’s gracious glory while integrating all the potent internal healing work I have done. And the whole time, I will be tasting the sweet sound of Spanish as it pours from my soul and rolls off my tongue. This is the language of my heart. I couldn’t have planned it better myself. My, how the Universe provides.


Let the healing begin. 

One Day at a Time

It’s strange to think that I would be leaving for the Peace Corps right now had my life not been turned upside down by a silly little tumor. However, I know there is a damn good reason for the twist of fate that has bound me to this new path. I have learned so much about myself and the world around me over the past several months, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Lately I have spent a lot of time on my own. Being the socialite that I am, it is unusual spending more time with myself than with anyone else. But in my solitude, I have learned some profound lessons. While I have explored innumerable modes of healing, the best medicine has come from the work that I have done completely on my own…free of charge. By exploring my innermost workings through meditation, movement, and breathing, I have come to better understand myself, without the influence of other people. This does not mean I sit in a transcendental meditative state for hours each day. Heck, I honor myself for sitting for 30 minutes, even if 25 of those minutes I was thinking about lasagna and dinosaurs. The point is that I take time out of every single day to honor myself and attempt to connect with the light that burns within me. For when we are able to recognize our own light, we can fuel it to burn brighter.

It took me a while, but I have finally come to terms with the somewhat obvious fact that healing does not happen over night, but over time. I have spent so much energy focusing on a destination of healing and self-realization, as if I’m waiting for nirvana to hit me on the side of the head and everything will be all sparkles and rainbows. It don’t work like that. It’s more of a gradually ascending climb, one in which I have whole-heartedly pointed my feet in the right direction and started walking. Sometimes I don’t feel the steps I am taking until I look behind me and see how far I’ve come in such a short amount of time. I now congratulate myself for the progress that I make instead of look ahead at how far I need to go. Life is a process, there is always work to be done whether we are learning how to heal or love or simply sit still in solitude. All we can do is take it one day at a time. 

Rise 'n Shine

Sometimes we must suffer a devastating blow to realize how brilliant and fragile life really is. A few months ago, I saw cancer as a giant wrench tossed into my turning wheels, but today I see this diagnosis as the greatest opportunity of my life. Everyday I wake up early, journal my dreams from the night and my intentions for the day, drink my fresh pressed vegetable juice, take my herbs, do yoga and meditate. Then I go about my day doing things that feed my soul and nourish my body. Never before have I been so diligent in taking care of myself first, before anything or anyone else. In doing this, I realize that I can’t fully care for anyone else if I haven’t yet cared for myself. This is a lesson I have been handed many times in my life, but have not fully learned until now. As my dad always says, “You must put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs.” Turns out he—and every flight attendant I’ve ever heard—are right.

What’s amazing is that right now I feel the best I have ever felt in my life. I am so connected with my body and my spirit. I am beginning to be able to stand back and look at myself and my emotions in a more objective light, without judgments or criticism. I have come to accept who I am right in this moment, which has unlocked a deep love for myself that I have never felt before. In addition, I have none of the bizarre physical symptoms that I once had. In fact, I have little to no symptoms at all. And I am not taking any medications. I think that says a lot coming from a cancer patient. It’s incredible what a change in diet and lifestyle can do for our health. I am so proud of my decision to listen to my heart and do what I know is right in taking care of myself. It is working. Never underestimate the power of your intuition. If you ever question which road to take, know that you are the only one who has the answer, and you will hear it if you just stop and listen.

The other day I was sitting in my garden drinking sunshine with my heart open and my eyes closed. I suddenly opened my eyes and there, hovering inches from my face was a huge, beautiful dragonfly. There was something so magical about this creature, as if it were a divine gift sent strait to me on iridescent wings. A dragonfly, as a totem, represents transformation and an awakening to one’s own inner light, which is exactly what I am doing. I know I still have a long way to go, but I have finally begun to see my own light breaching the horizon, bringing nothing short of a magnificent day. 

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

In the late 1920s, a German man by the name of Max Gerson presented a cure for cancer. The treatment consisted of a strict regime of fruit and vegetable juices, complimented with various supplements to support the body in detoxification. He proposed that by eliminating the toxins in the body and restoring it to an alkalized state that it would create an environment in which cancer cells could not survive. Case after case, he demonstrated an alternative to Western medicine’s approach, which yielded quicker and longer-term results. When he brought his idea to the United States, however, his therapy was quickly rejected by the National Cancer Institute, and to this day it is illegal for a doctor to prescribe his therapy to cancer patients at the risk of losing their medical license and/or paying a hefty fine. Why, then, after so many people had been cured by the Gerson therapy, was it made illegal in the US? If you follow the money trail, you will find the answer. There is no money in a healthy diet. Chemotherapy costs thousands of dollars a month per person, but fruit and vegetables are of no gain to the pharmaceutical companies. Who would profit if we all ate healthy and had no health problems from the poisonous food in the Standard American Diet (SAD)? There is an Ayurvedic proverb that states, “When diet is wrong, medicine is of no use. When diet is correct, medicine is of no need.”

McDonalds anyone?

Last week I met with an oncologist to track my progress and get a few questions answered. When I walked into the waiting room, it felt like I was walking into a morgue. The energy hung heavy beneath the buzzing of fluorescent lights and every person had the same glazed over, forlorn expression. The air was thick with the weight of fear. In the corner of the room there was tea, coffee, hot chocolate and treats. I was baffled. Why would there be caffeine and sugar in a waiting room for cancer patients? Don’t they know that these are the very substances that cancer feeds on? But then I realized that this is exactly the point. By keeping people sick, the medical industry keeps money in their pocket. Which explains why almost 1 out of every 2 people gets cancer today, which in the 1940s was only 1 in every 14. The United States spends more money on health care than any other country, yet we have some of the highest rates of cancer, heart disease and obesity in the world. Something is not right about this.

Don’t get me wrong; there are certain things that the medical world should be praised for. If I got hit by a bus I would get myself to a hospital. What I am suggesting is that when it comes to curing serious internal illnesses, I don’t think they have it figured out yet. If they did, then the ‘war on cancer’ that began over 70 years ago (with the introduction of chemotherapy drugs), should actually be curing cancer, right? If you look closely at the numbers, it’s not. The statistics that they boast for people ‘cured’ from cancer are based on a 5-year condition. This means that if a person is still alive 5 years after receiving treatment, they are considered cured. If the cancer comes back in the sixth year, they are still considered cured in the books, even if they die. Sneaky, sneaky...

When I started on this journey of natural healing, I didn’t do it in protest of the chokehold that the health care industry has, but as I become more and more educated on the corruption that exists around the healthcare in this country, I become stronger in my decision to not support a system that keeps people sick. I want to get better, so I am doing everything in my power to do that, which to me means putting my trust in the one person who knows my body the best: Me. I will not fall for the fear tactics that have brainwashed so many people to find solace in those sterile waiting rooms. There are other ways to heal, and I have found them. I am detoxifying my body naturally and seeing incredible results. Our bodies can renew and rebuild themselves so quickly if we just give them the opportunity and support. Hippocrates said, “The force within each of us is the greatest healer of disease.” We all have an incredible capacity to heal ourselves. We just need to believe that we can.

Sources:

Harter Pierce, T. Outsmart your cancer: Alternative non-toxic treatments that work. 2. Thoughtworks Publishing, 2009.

Anderson, Mike, prod. Healing Cancer From the Inside Out. Dir. PB. PBS, 2008. Film.

Kroschel, Steve, dir. The Gerson Miracle. 2004. Film.

All You Need is Love

Last night I had a dream that I was a young girl playing in the open woods landscaped with rolling hills and a light snow blanketing the ground. I stumbled upon a large hole at the top of a hill, which I knew was a cave harboring an animal of some sort. I yelled into the cave and stomped my feet on the ground to wake up whatever was dormant within. Soon, a large creature stirred and came rumbling to the opening. When I realized it what it was, I ran down the hill and hid myself in a small shelter made of large rocks, waiting for the beast to come get me. Before long, I felt its breath on my legs as it slid its head into my shelter. It was a wolf. He had a body the size of a horse and fur as white as the snow with clouds of grey around its face and neck. As I looked him in the eye, all my fear melted away and I reached out my hand to lightly pet the fur on his face. With both hands I held his head and felt nothing but love for this great creature.

When I awoke, I looked up the meaning of the wolf in a book of mine, and it is believed to represent the untamed demons that prowl our psyche. The dreamer is therefore called to bravely face the wolf’s onslaught in order to bring resolution to internal conflicts. Often in fairy tales and dreams, the wise child is the one that outsmarts these ravenous predators.

So here I am, this small child, outsmarting this monstrous creature by coaxing it out of the deep, dark places in my mind and body, looking it in the face, and loving it whole-heartedly instead of fearing it as I always have. It wants me to fear it, for fear is the nourishment that feeds it and helps it grow. Love is the medicine that transforms even the most evil of our demons into good. Cancer doesn’t stand a chance against love. Who would have thought that the secret to my cure would come to me in a dream.

I have done a lot of work on myself over the past week. Spending hours in deep meditation, in search of the source of my dis-ease, as well as the source of my light. I discovered through my work that the root of my sickness is in the lack of love that I have felt for myself. I have always had this incredible capacity to love others unconditionally, but never have I been able to do this for myself. It is time I open my eyes to my own beauty inside and out and love every little piece of it. This is how true healing happens. 

Be the Change You Wish to See

There is an ancient story that tells of a time when man had a symbiotic relationship with the animals that he killed for food. The night before a hunt, he would pray and make offerings to them, and in turn, the animals would sacrifice themselves to be hunted and eaten. One day, man selfishly killed more than the animals were willing to sacrifice, and to restore the balance of the fragile system, one of the people in his tribe became sick.

Today, as the earth’s resources become depleted, humanity as a whole is sick. We are trapped in a cycle of gluttony fueled by a need for security, which we attempt to satiate by consuming more. We are blindly rolling down a road toward extinction and in order to avoid this, there must be a drastic change. We hear that 2012 is “The Year of Change,” but so far, the only change I see is for the worst. People are getting fatter, sicker and further from the truth. But as it goes with any sickness, it must get worse before it gets better.

Right now we are living so far outside of ourselves, constantly looking for our self-worth in the amount of text messages and facebook comments we receive, comparing ourselves to the people we see in the media, or getting a high status job. If we were able to receive affirmations from within ourselves, we wouldn’t need external validation. In order to truly heal, we must go within, back to the truth of our nature. This is where I started. I am launching this revolution within myself in hopes of seeing it in others. Be the change you wish to see in the world.

The way I see it, my diagnosis with cancer came in perfect timing. Had I kept going the rate I was, unconsciously swallowing the values of a society that I have never agreed with, I would be continuing to contribute to the downfall of our race. Instead, I feel that I have been given a very important role in the awakening of humans to our dis-ease. The healing that has to be done within myself is parallel with the healing that has to be done in all of humanity. So I am learning everything I can about wellness so that I may heal myself and, in turn, be part of the healing of every human. This healing cannot be done with pharmaceuticals and surgeries. In fact, those things are what have kept us so sick in the first place by suppressing the symptoms and covering up the true problem. A change is in order.

Whatever this change may be, it is starting right now. I can feel it. The time has come to clear away the illusions of security and self worth that fuel our egos, making us selfish and judgmental. We must go back to our roots and re-build the relationship we have with the earth and all of its inhabitants, including ourselves and the animals and plants we eat. We can no longer take more than our share, because there is no longer enough. When we learn to heal within, we learn to live without the need for external sources of fulfillment. It is here, within myself, that I will start this needed change. 

Sun Salutations

Sometimes, when life hands you lemons, you decide to squeeze them in your eyes and wallow in the pain before you can learn to make lemonade. I guess you could say that’s what I did for a few weeks after I moved, but then the day came when I realized feeling sorry for myself was not helping my situation. Time to woman up and kick some ass.

I believe that the few weeks of darkness were a very necessary part of my journey. We will never be able to fully appreciate the light until we have been immersed in the dark. But then the day came when the sun reached out its golden tentacles and radiated my world. I began to see all that I have to be grateful for instead of being sad for all I have lost. I love living with mom and little sister Sam. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the magnificence and courage of these two women. On days when I struggle carrying the weight of life, they swoop in with their angel wings and lift me back to my feet. I am living with two of the greatest healers I have ever met. 

I stumbled upon some incredible people in this city that have also laid bricks in my path to wellness. I am working with a naturopath/homeopath from Venezuela, whose accent is almost as thick as his long black hair. We both knew right away that we would be a good match. On days that I don’t see him, I get acupuncture and yoga classes from his wife, who is a cancer survivor herself, and did it all naturally. It gives me so much hope to be working with someone who has walked my path with great success. These two people have submerged me into the world of alternative medicine, and with the support of their extensive medical background, I feel that I am in very good hands. The best part is, they work out of their home, which is a stone’s throw away from mine. These people, along with a few others that I have collided with in this city, are helping me build my foundation. I am living in a mecca for alternative healing; it’s ridiculously easy to find people who support me. I am in the right place.

A few weeks ago, I felt like I was standing at the foot of a vastly large mountain, looking up at the treacherous climb I had ahead of me. Without having taken the first few steps, reaching the top seemed insurmountable. But now that I have made my first precious strides, I have gained momentum, and the peak of this mountain doesn’t seem so far away.

Our Longest Journey is From the Head to the Heart

Pain. Can’t go around it, can’t go over it, got to go through it. My sister said this to me today and I was mad because I knew she was right. These times of despair that have gripped my life, holding all hope hostage, sometimes feel endless. That’s the nature of despair; it makes you feel like it will be around forever, like you will never be able to overturn the mighty leader that you never even asked to rule your world. I am so tired of being tired. It’s time to emancipate my mental slavery, as Bob Marley says, none but ourselves can free our minds.

There is a reason the tumor is in my throat. Too many years of not speaking my truth and shoving feelings down has created an obstruction in the very narrow passageway that connects my head to my heart. I am being forced to fight my way into myself to go deeper, and listen to the voice I have been ignoring for far too long. It’s time to stop thinking with my thoughts and start thinking with my heart. Unfortunately, my heart has been neglected after a life of learning to listen to my mind. The society we live in is one that honors the rational mind more than our heart voice, or intuition. We have forgotten how powerful intuition is; it is what connects us with the universe, the earth, each other and ourselves.

When I was given my diagnosis, it was my intuition that took over and said no, I will not do a treatment just because it is what everyone else who has cancer does. By all rational societal standards, what I am doing may seem crazy, but I do not believe humans are meant to heal by taking magical pills to erase our physical symptoms. And if it were, then why is almost half of our country still dying of cancer?

In a way, everyone has cancer. We all have our own cancerous demons that we face everyday, which keep us from reaching our highest potential. We become burdened by life’s inevitable traumas and entrapped in our emotional cycles. This can be anything from laziness, to anger, to depression, and whether we are aware of it or not, we are plagued by these emotions that keep us reacting to life instead of just being. I feel fortunate that I am forced to face my demons early in life. My body has created a distress signal warning me that if I do not change, I will die. I am given the opportunity right now to free myself from the negativity that I cannot afford to live with any longer. But now is the hard part. There is no way around it; I have to go through it. And I have a lot of work to do. But I can see the light at the end of this tunnel, and it is more beautiful than anything I have ever experienced. 

Let Food be Thy Medicine

If you read the last entry, you were given an idea of how a bad day looks in my world, but having cancer is not all gloom and despair. I have my moments when the sun shines through the clouds and I can see that what I am doing is probably the most courageous and transforming feat that I will encounter in my life. In order to attain the profound, encompassing healing that I seek, I must explore places of myself that I might not have found otherwise, many of which I have already uncovered in the past few months. I believe that having moments of despair are part of this journey and it is important to accept exactly where I am right now.

You may be wondering what exactly I am doing, since I am not doing chemotherapy. Whereas the majority of cancer patients try the conventional Western treatments first, then try the alternative treatments when the conventional ones don’t work, I am doing the opposite. This includes the things most people consider alternative, like acupuncture, herbs, Reiki, naturopathy, homeopathy, ayurvedic medicine, etc. But these things are just one layer of the onion when it comes to healing. I believe the foundation of wellness lies in our own lifestyle choices… So I said adios to late nights with my friends Tequila y Cerveza, and started changing my habits. All toxins had to go. This means no more coffee, alcohol, processed foods, additives, sugar, etc. Every single thing we put in our body contributes to our health now, and in years to come. If you ever question the impact of the food we put in our bodies, then go see one of the many documentaries about it (Forks Over Knives and Food Matters are a few good ones). It is said that food can be the fastest and most effective medicine, or the slowest and most painful poison. So I got serious about this medicinal nutrition. No more dairy, meat or gluten, and LOTS of fruit, vegetables, and water. Lots and lots of agua.

From this foundation, I began to build myself up with the use of spiritual practices such as study and meditation; reconstructing mental habits that no longer serve me; physical exercises, such as yoga and bike riding; and activities that feed my soul, such as singing, playing the guitar, and gardening. I quit my 9 to 5 job to start up a full time career in taking care of myself. I believe this is how healing works. 

Cancer is not just a physical problem. In fact, I think that when one has cancer, the physical body is the last place to show signs of illness. The first places are our emotional and spiritual bodies. This tumor in my throat is a symptom of a much greater problem that needs to be dealt with. It's like the idiot lights in you car; they go on only after the problem has developed. Sure, I could do the conventional slash and burn technique, and I don’t doubt that it will zap that lump right out of my body... but that only removes the tip of the iceberg, and it will come back. It will always come back until I can repair the place that truly needs healing—my spirit. So I made a vow to my body that I would pull this cancer from the roots, not just cut it at the stem. That is exactly what I am doing. 

The Move

The end of my time in Bellingham left a bitter sweet taste in my mouth. I knew I would leave that town eventually, but I thought it would be by my own accord, and not on these terms. After the diagnosis, I worked for a few exhausting weeks and decided I couldn’t do it any more. It’s hard to help customers complaining of petty retail issues when the weight of my own mortality was looming like a rain cloud over my head. After reluctantly walking away from my job and my beautiful sisterhood of co-workers, I spent my last few months soaking up every last drop of Bellingham and falling in love all over again. This made the move harder. When I finally left because I could no longer pay my rent, I felt a piece of my heart being torn off in longing to stay there.

I moved to Portland and pitched camp in a warm, feminine charged three-bedroom house with my lovely mother and sister. As wonderful as it is living with my two best friends and favorite women in the world, it is lonely here. I am usually very good at making friends, but being sick has made it hard for me to justify meeting people because eventually I will have to tell them that I have been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, and even though I know that I will survive and live a long happy life, it is hard to convince others of that after saying the word “cancer.”  I haven’t talked to many people from my old life and in a lot of ways I feel forgotten. Whether this is true or not, it is saddening going from being surrounded by a posse of loving friends, to being alone a lot of the time. Mom and Sam are wonderful and do their best to be my everything, but I know this is hard on them as well. This is a difficult time in our lives and these few weeks after the transition may be the hardest of all.

I am grieving right now; grieving the loss of the only way of life I have ever known. The loss of relationships, love, a home, a job, a sense of self, my freedom, happiness, and health. When life changes so drastically over night, it feels like it takes a little while for our conscious mind to catch up after the shock. Moving here has finally brought me up to speed on the reality of the cards I have been dealt. I love this city and I feel like it has everything I need to take my alternative health care to the next level, but with the weight of grief and despair that has consumed my past few weeks, sometimes getting out of bed to enjoy this city is like pushing a boulder up a hill. Many days I find myself staring into the very long road ahead of me; I think I chose the hard way.

However, life has taught me over and over again that taking the hard road leads to the greatest rewards. While it may not seem worth it some days, I know that the reward of pushing through hard times will be more beautiful than I can dream. I also know that even the longest journey begins with a single step.

The Day That My Life Began

Dearest friends, loved ones and cyber strangers,

Welcome to the little corner of Internet space that I have created as a canvas for my words, thoughts, dreams, and a means for those of you who want to know what is going on in my life.  It is here that I divulge the beauty and chaos that makes up my short and radiant time here on this lovely planet. My name is Sara, but I often go by Sarita for my ever-increasing interest in Spanish language and culture, and of course, my spicy cha cha. I am 24 and a half years old and I have cancer. 

I grew up in the mountains outside of Boulder, Colorado with my younger sister, both parental units and a blind, smelly dog.  In that old, A-frame wooden house in the woods, there was always live music playing, doors open and laughing. There was never a lack of love or fart jokes. When I hit 18, I uprooted and replanted myself in the quaint little town of Bellingham, Washington. It was in this cozy corner of the world that I would make my home for the next six years.

Bellingham was more that just a home for me to live in while getting through college; it was a cocoon for me to develop my wings and a launch pad for me to spring from when I was finally ready to fly.  It was here that I grew from a girl to a woman. I graduated with a degree in Spanish and moved into a full time manager job and a lovely apartment downtown. Life was sweet, simple and fun with very few complaints.

… Until that rainy day in late December. I had just been nominated to serve with the Peace Corps and was in the process of the rigorous medical exam required for my service. I was scheduled to leave in June of 2012, and I was assigned to be an educator in sub-Saharan Africa. Even though Africa was not my first choice (that, of course would be a Spanish speaking country), I was honored to have the privilege to help so many people and do what my heart desires most: travel. But in one single blow, all of my plans, dreams and desires came crashing down around me with that one loaded word. Cancer.

On December 20^th, 2011, that medical evaluation revealed a lump at the base of my neck, and after running a few tests, determined that it was most likely a malignant tumor about the size of a racquetball. They called it Hodgkin’s lymphoma. These two words I had never heard before, but they scared the shit out of me.

Wait wait wait. Are you saying that I, Sara Emmitt, a 24 year old newly college grad, Peace Corps nominee, with a whole life of love, challenges, triumphs and travels ahead of me, have cancer? What the fuck.

Needless to say, that was not the merriest of Christmases.

At the time of the diagnosis, I was scheduled for a surgical biopsy to determine what stage the tumor was in, which would be quickly followed by the “treatment plan.” Yep, you guessed it, chemotherapy and radiation.

Over the few days following the diagnosis, I was trapped in a fog of despair and bewilderment, but there was one thing that was clear to me beyond all reason: I could not do chemotherapy and radiation. It’s hard to explain how I knew this; I guess you could call it intuition, or perhaps it’s simply my belief that healing does not come from dumping more toxins into the body to fight all the toxins already there. Healing should come from building up and supporting the steady health of the mind, spirit and body, as well as clearing our mental, emotional and physical contamination. I had no idea about any alternative treatments, but I knew that the option I was presented with was not going to help me, and that was all I needed. From here, I began my journey down the long and, often times, hopeless road toward healing. I still plan to travel the world one day, and I think it will be part of my healing journey, but for now I am learning to live in my body and love every bit of it. I think this is a good place to start because I believe love is the most powerful medicine of all.

I am writing this blog because I know that this journey will take me to some incredible places, and not just geographically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well. I feel blessed (most days) to have been given such a beautiful opportunity to explore life and death and my place in this world. I have no doubt in my mind that I will overcome this obstacle and come out on the other side with a new view on life that many people don’t get the chance to see until they are much further down life’s road. I titled this blog “Los viajes de Sarita Osita,” meaning the journeys of Sara Little Bear because I believe that I am embarking on the most remarkable journey of my life: the journey to myself.

I hope you stay tuned to watch how my path unwinds.

Cariñosos saludos,

Sarita