Winter Wildfire

Sometimes our great mother earth will light herself on fire, burning down her own forests until all that remains are the ashes of ancient trees. It’s thought that sometimes she does this on purpose, for when the tallest trees spread themselves across the sky, they deprive the shaded forest ground of its precious sun food, creating an imbalance throughout the delicate ecosystem. After the wild fire reduces the jungle to the ground, life begins to rise from the ashes, thriving on the nutrient rich soil created from the death of the old. In time, it blossoms into a more diverse, harmonious and higher functioning network of species. What seems to have been a devastating fire becomes a fruitful life investment for mama earth’s valuable forest communities. The destruction becomes the catalyst for a beautiful rebirth of an entire ecological body.

I like to think that this is what has happened in my body over the past 5 months. I have set fire to an overgrowth of cells, ill emotions, habits, beliefs and thoughts. I retreated inside myself as winter dawned its heavy robes, allowing death to take its place so that life may sprout from the rich fertilizer of destruction. These last months have been a time of quiet introspection and surrender. Like the caterpillar wrapped in the solitude of her cocoon, stretching and expanding, wriggling with pains of growth, waiting for the sun to draw her out from the tightly threaded walls to emerge into her true and magnificent form. 

Well little darlin', here comes the sun. Doo n’ doo doo!

Spring swells outside my bear cave, luring me from my hibernation, birthing me back into the world as a new person. The seeds that I have planted along the path of my journey are now budding, and the wild flowers of experience, knowledge and wisdom that I have sought are blossoming. 

Today I am cancer free. My latest scan is clear of ominous dark spots, showing no abnormalities.  My gratitude is overwhelming. I am grateful for each ingredient that nourished the body of my awakening—for the paths that lead me through despair and hope; struggle and freedom. Through jungles and oceans, healing foods and plant medicines, yogic awakenings and gardening salvations, lost in song as I found my voice, freeing vitality through creativity, expanding understanding of energy and movement, moments magnified in deep mediation, and the strong hands, words, guidance and support of so many people who devoted their time, gifts, love, laughter (and finances) to aid in this healing.

I cannot give credit to one healing modality without commending them all, for I believe it was the integration of everything I did that saved my life--each one leading me to the next. That said, I would like to offer my gratitude to the remedies and heroes of Western medicine. While I still strongly believe it takes and all-inclusive, wholeistic approach to heal, I must give credit to the transformation that I have encountered in my walk though chemotherapy. It continues to astound me (and I still have one month left!) I am humbled to happiness. 

While the tumors may be gone, the healing will continue. Life is a daily practice of letting go and making room to grow. Cancer has taught me to love living in a constant state of receiving life’s lessons. It has shown me how to be gentle with this fragile body and life I inhabit, which has in turn taught me how to be more compassionate toward others. It continues to teach me the power of gratitude. No matter what the situation, with graciousness, we find peace; for grace is our love poured over what matters most to us, and the more we give the more we receive. Most of all, cancer has taught me to live for today because it gave me the opportunity to question my tomorrows. When the future is uncertain and the past has been burned to ashes, the only place to be is right now. And right now, there is no place I’de rather be.