All You Need is Love

Last night I had a dream that I was a young girl playing in the open woods landscaped with rolling hills and a light snow blanketing the ground. I stumbled upon a large hole at the top of a hill, which I knew was a cave harboring an animal of some sort. I yelled into the cave and stomped my feet on the ground to wake up whatever was dormant within. Soon, a large creature stirred and came rumbling to the opening. When I realized it what it was, I ran down the hill and hid myself in a small shelter made of large rocks, waiting for the beast to come get me. Before long, I felt its breath on my legs as it slid its head into my shelter. It was a wolf. He had a body the size of a horse and fur as white as the snow with clouds of grey around its face and neck. As I looked him in the eye, all my fear melted away and I reached out my hand to lightly pet the fur on his face. With both hands I held his head and felt nothing but love for this great creature.

When I awoke, I looked up the meaning of the wolf in a book of mine, and it is believed to represent the untamed demons that prowl our psyche. The dreamer is therefore called to bravely face the wolf’s onslaught in order to bring resolution to internal conflicts. Often in fairy tales and dreams, the wise child is the one that outsmarts these ravenous predators.

So here I am, this small child, outsmarting this monstrous creature by coaxing it out of the deep, dark places in my mind and body, looking it in the face, and loving it whole-heartedly instead of fearing it as I always have. It wants me to fear it, for fear is the nourishment that feeds it and helps it grow. Love is the medicine that transforms even the most evil of our demons into good. Cancer doesn’t stand a chance against love. Who would have thought that the secret to my cure would come to me in a dream.

I have done a lot of work on myself over the past week. Spending hours in deep meditation, in search of the source of my dis-ease, as well as the source of my light. I discovered through my work that the root of my sickness is in the lack of love that I have felt for myself. I have always had this incredible capacity to love others unconditionally, but never have I been able to do this for myself. It is time I open my eyes to my own beauty inside and out and love every little piece of it. This is how true healing happens. 

Be the Change You Wish to See

There is an ancient story that tells of a time when man had a symbiotic relationship with the animals that he killed for food. The night before a hunt, he would pray and make offerings to them, and in turn, the animals would sacrifice themselves to be hunted and eaten. One day, man selfishly killed more than the animals were willing to sacrifice, and to restore the balance of the fragile system, one of the people in his tribe became sick.

Today, as the earth’s resources become depleted, humanity as a whole is sick. We are trapped in a cycle of gluttony fueled by a need for security, which we attempt to satiate by consuming more. We are blindly rolling down a road toward extinction and in order to avoid this, there must be a drastic change. We hear that 2012 is “The Year of Change,” but so far, the only change I see is for the worst. People are getting fatter, sicker and further from the truth. But as it goes with any sickness, it must get worse before it gets better.

Right now we are living so far outside of ourselves, constantly looking for our self-worth in the amount of text messages and facebook comments we receive, comparing ourselves to the people we see in the media, or getting a high status job. If we were able to receive affirmations from within ourselves, we wouldn’t need external validation. In order to truly heal, we must go within, back to the truth of our nature. This is where I started. I am launching this revolution within myself in hopes of seeing it in others. Be the change you wish to see in the world.

The way I see it, my diagnosis with cancer came in perfect timing. Had I kept going the rate I was, unconsciously swallowing the values of a society that I have never agreed with, I would be continuing to contribute to the downfall of our race. Instead, I feel that I have been given a very important role in the awakening of humans to our dis-ease. The healing that has to be done within myself is parallel with the healing that has to be done in all of humanity. So I am learning everything I can about wellness so that I may heal myself and, in turn, be part of the healing of every human. This healing cannot be done with pharmaceuticals and surgeries. In fact, those things are what have kept us so sick in the first place by suppressing the symptoms and covering up the true problem. A change is in order.

Whatever this change may be, it is starting right now. I can feel it. The time has come to clear away the illusions of security and self worth that fuel our egos, making us selfish and judgmental. We must go back to our roots and re-build the relationship we have with the earth and all of its inhabitants, including ourselves and the animals and plants we eat. We can no longer take more than our share, because there is no longer enough. When we learn to heal within, we learn to live without the need for external sources of fulfillment. It is here, within myself, that I will start this needed change. 

Sun Salutations

Sometimes, when life hands you lemons, you decide to squeeze them in your eyes and wallow in the pain before you can learn to make lemonade. I guess you could say that’s what I did for a few weeks after I moved, but then the day came when I realized feeling sorry for myself was not helping my situation. Time to woman up and kick some ass.

I believe that the few weeks of darkness were a very necessary part of my journey. We will never be able to fully appreciate the light until we have been immersed in the dark. But then the day came when the sun reached out its golden tentacles and radiated my world. I began to see all that I have to be grateful for instead of being sad for all I have lost. I love living with mom and little sister Sam. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the magnificence and courage of these two women. On days when I struggle carrying the weight of life, they swoop in with their angel wings and lift me back to my feet. I am living with two of the greatest healers I have ever met. 

I stumbled upon some incredible people in this city that have also laid bricks in my path to wellness. I am working with a naturopath/homeopath from Venezuela, whose accent is almost as thick as his long black hair. We both knew right away that we would be a good match. On days that I don’t see him, I get acupuncture and yoga classes from his wife, who is a cancer survivor herself, and did it all naturally. It gives me so much hope to be working with someone who has walked my path with great success. These two people have submerged me into the world of alternative medicine, and with the support of their extensive medical background, I feel that I am in very good hands. The best part is, they work out of their home, which is a stone’s throw away from mine. These people, along with a few others that I have collided with in this city, are helping me build my foundation. I am living in a mecca for alternative healing; it’s ridiculously easy to find people who support me. I am in the right place.

A few weeks ago, I felt like I was standing at the foot of a vastly large mountain, looking up at the treacherous climb I had ahead of me. Without having taken the first few steps, reaching the top seemed insurmountable. But now that I have made my first precious strides, I have gained momentum, and the peak of this mountain doesn’t seem so far away.

Our Longest Journey is From the Head to the Heart

Pain. Can’t go around it, can’t go over it, got to go through it. My sister said this to me today and I was mad because I knew she was right. These times of despair that have gripped my life, holding all hope hostage, sometimes feel endless. That’s the nature of despair; it makes you feel like it will be around forever, like you will never be able to overturn the mighty leader that you never even asked to rule your world. I am so tired of being tired. It’s time to emancipate my mental slavery, as Bob Marley says, none but ourselves can free our minds.

There is a reason the tumor is in my throat. Too many years of not speaking my truth and shoving feelings down has created an obstruction in the very narrow passageway that connects my head to my heart. I am being forced to fight my way into myself to go deeper, and listen to the voice I have been ignoring for far too long. It’s time to stop thinking with my thoughts and start thinking with my heart. Unfortunately, my heart has been neglected after a life of learning to listen to my mind. The society we live in is one that honors the rational mind more than our heart voice, or intuition. We have forgotten how powerful intuition is; it is what connects us with the universe, the earth, each other and ourselves.

When I was given my diagnosis, it was my intuition that took over and said no, I will not do a treatment just because it is what everyone else who has cancer does. By all rational societal standards, what I am doing may seem crazy, but I do not believe humans are meant to heal by taking magical pills to erase our physical symptoms. And if it were, then why is almost half of our country still dying of cancer?

In a way, everyone has cancer. We all have our own cancerous demons that we face everyday, which keep us from reaching our highest potential. We become burdened by life’s inevitable traumas and entrapped in our emotional cycles. This can be anything from laziness, to anger, to depression, and whether we are aware of it or not, we are plagued by these emotions that keep us reacting to life instead of just being. I feel fortunate that I am forced to face my demons early in life. My body has created a distress signal warning me that if I do not change, I will die. I am given the opportunity right now to free myself from the negativity that I cannot afford to live with any longer. But now is the hard part. There is no way around it; I have to go through it. And I have a lot of work to do. But I can see the light at the end of this tunnel, and it is more beautiful than anything I have ever experienced. 

Let Food be Thy Medicine

If you read the last entry, you were given an idea of how a bad day looks in my world, but having cancer is not all gloom and despair. I have my moments when the sun shines through the clouds and I can see that what I am doing is probably the most courageous and transforming feat that I will encounter in my life. In order to attain the profound, encompassing healing that I seek, I must explore places of myself that I might not have found otherwise, many of which I have already uncovered in the past few months. I believe that having moments of despair are part of this journey and it is important to accept exactly where I am right now.

You may be wondering what exactly I am doing, since I am not doing chemotherapy. Whereas the majority of cancer patients try the conventional Western treatments first, then try the alternative treatments when the conventional ones don’t work, I am doing the opposite. This includes the things most people consider alternative, like acupuncture, herbs, Reiki, naturopathy, homeopathy, ayurvedic medicine, etc. But these things are just one layer of the onion when it comes to healing. I believe the foundation of wellness lies in our own lifestyle choices… So I said adios to late nights with my friends Tequila y Cerveza, and started changing my habits. All toxins had to go. This means no more coffee, alcohol, processed foods, additives, sugar, etc. Every single thing we put in our body contributes to our health now, and in years to come. If you ever question the impact of the food we put in our bodies, then go see one of the many documentaries about it (Forks Over Knives and Food Matters are a few good ones). It is said that food can be the fastest and most effective medicine, or the slowest and most painful poison. So I got serious about this medicinal nutrition. No more dairy, meat or gluten, and LOTS of fruit, vegetables, and water. Lots and lots of agua.

From this foundation, I began to build myself up with the use of spiritual practices such as study and meditation; reconstructing mental habits that no longer serve me; physical exercises, such as yoga and bike riding; and activities that feed my soul, such as singing, playing the guitar, and gardening. I quit my 9 to 5 job to start up a full time career in taking care of myself. I believe this is how healing works. 

Cancer is not just a physical problem. In fact, I think that when one has cancer, the physical body is the last place to show signs of illness. The first places are our emotional and spiritual bodies. This tumor in my throat is a symptom of a much greater problem that needs to be dealt with. It's like the idiot lights in you car; they go on only after the problem has developed. Sure, I could do the conventional slash and burn technique, and I don’t doubt that it will zap that lump right out of my body... but that only removes the tip of the iceberg, and it will come back. It will always come back until I can repair the place that truly needs healing—my spirit. So I made a vow to my body that I would pull this cancer from the roots, not just cut it at the stem. That is exactly what I am doing. 

The Move

The end of my time in Bellingham left a bitter sweet taste in my mouth. I knew I would leave that town eventually, but I thought it would be by my own accord, and not on these terms. After the diagnosis, I worked for a few exhausting weeks and decided I couldn’t do it any more. It’s hard to help customers complaining of petty retail issues when the weight of my own mortality was looming like a rain cloud over my head. After reluctantly walking away from my job and my beautiful sisterhood of co-workers, I spent my last few months soaking up every last drop of Bellingham and falling in love all over again. This made the move harder. When I finally left because I could no longer pay my rent, I felt a piece of my heart being torn off in longing to stay there.

I moved to Portland and pitched camp in a warm, feminine charged three-bedroom house with my lovely mother and sister. As wonderful as it is living with my two best friends and favorite women in the world, it is lonely here. I am usually very good at making friends, but being sick has made it hard for me to justify meeting people because eventually I will have to tell them that I have been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, and even though I know that I will survive and live a long happy life, it is hard to convince others of that after saying the word “cancer.”  I haven’t talked to many people from my old life and in a lot of ways I feel forgotten. Whether this is true or not, it is saddening going from being surrounded by a posse of loving friends, to being alone a lot of the time. Mom and Sam are wonderful and do their best to be my everything, but I know this is hard on them as well. This is a difficult time in our lives and these few weeks after the transition may be the hardest of all.

I am grieving right now; grieving the loss of the only way of life I have ever known. The loss of relationships, love, a home, a job, a sense of self, my freedom, happiness, and health. When life changes so drastically over night, it feels like it takes a little while for our conscious mind to catch up after the shock. Moving here has finally brought me up to speed on the reality of the cards I have been dealt. I love this city and I feel like it has everything I need to take my alternative health care to the next level, but with the weight of grief and despair that has consumed my past few weeks, sometimes getting out of bed to enjoy this city is like pushing a boulder up a hill. Many days I find myself staring into the very long road ahead of me; I think I chose the hard way.

However, life has taught me over and over again that taking the hard road leads to the greatest rewards. While it may not seem worth it some days, I know that the reward of pushing through hard times will be more beautiful than I can dream. I also know that even the longest journey begins with a single step.

The Day That My Life Began

Dearest friends, loved ones and cyber strangers,

Welcome to the little corner of Internet space that I have created as a canvas for my words, thoughts, dreams, and a means for those of you who want to know what is going on in my life.  It is here that I divulge the beauty and chaos that makes up my short and radiant time here on this lovely planet. My name is Sara, but I often go by Sarita for my ever-increasing interest in Spanish language and culture, and of course, my spicy cha cha. I am 24 and a half years old and I have cancer. 

I grew up in the mountains outside of Boulder, Colorado with my younger sister, both parental units and a blind, smelly dog.  In that old, A-frame wooden house in the woods, there was always live music playing, doors open and laughing. There was never a lack of love or fart jokes. When I hit 18, I uprooted and replanted myself in the quaint little town of Bellingham, Washington. It was in this cozy corner of the world that I would make my home for the next six years.

Bellingham was more that just a home for me to live in while getting through college; it was a cocoon for me to develop my wings and a launch pad for me to spring from when I was finally ready to fly.  It was here that I grew from a girl to a woman. I graduated with a degree in Spanish and moved into a full time manager job and a lovely apartment downtown. Life was sweet, simple and fun with very few complaints.

… Until that rainy day in late December. I had just been nominated to serve with the Peace Corps and was in the process of the rigorous medical exam required for my service. I was scheduled to leave in June of 2012, and I was assigned to be an educator in sub-Saharan Africa. Even though Africa was not my first choice (that, of course would be a Spanish speaking country), I was honored to have the privilege to help so many people and do what my heart desires most: travel. But in one single blow, all of my plans, dreams and desires came crashing down around me with that one loaded word. Cancer.

On December 20^th, 2011, that medical evaluation revealed a lump at the base of my neck, and after running a few tests, determined that it was most likely a malignant tumor about the size of a racquetball. They called it Hodgkin’s lymphoma. These two words I had never heard before, but they scared the shit out of me.

Wait wait wait. Are you saying that I, Sara Emmitt, a 24 year old newly college grad, Peace Corps nominee, with a whole life of love, challenges, triumphs and travels ahead of me, have cancer? What the fuck.

Needless to say, that was not the merriest of Christmases.

At the time of the diagnosis, I was scheduled for a surgical biopsy to determine what stage the tumor was in, which would be quickly followed by the “treatment plan.” Yep, you guessed it, chemotherapy and radiation.

Over the few days following the diagnosis, I was trapped in a fog of despair and bewilderment, but there was one thing that was clear to me beyond all reason: I could not do chemotherapy and radiation. It’s hard to explain how I knew this; I guess you could call it intuition, or perhaps it’s simply my belief that healing does not come from dumping more toxins into the body to fight all the toxins already there. Healing should come from building up and supporting the steady health of the mind, spirit and body, as well as clearing our mental, emotional and physical contamination. I had no idea about any alternative treatments, but I knew that the option I was presented with was not going to help me, and that was all I needed. From here, I began my journey down the long and, often times, hopeless road toward healing. I still plan to travel the world one day, and I think it will be part of my healing journey, but for now I am learning to live in my body and love every bit of it. I think this is a good place to start because I believe love is the most powerful medicine of all.

I am writing this blog because I know that this journey will take me to some incredible places, and not just geographically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually as well. I feel blessed (most days) to have been given such a beautiful opportunity to explore life and death and my place in this world. I have no doubt in my mind that I will overcome this obstacle and come out on the other side with a new view on life that many people don’t get the chance to see until they are much further down life’s road. I titled this blog “Los viajes de Sarita Osita,” meaning the journeys of Sara Little Bear because I believe that I am embarking on the most remarkable journey of my life: the journey to myself.

I hope you stay tuned to watch how my path unwinds.

Cariñosos saludos,

Sarita