Never Say Never

This blog was meant to tell a story—a tale of my journey into the unexplored spaces of myself in search of healing and resolution. Ultimately, the story of how I slay the demons dwelling within, the ones that 2 years ago doctors decided to call “cancer.” But this story has taken a turn that I did not anticipate… and it has brought me to my knees. Honestly, I didn’t want to continue telling the story, and even considered deleting my blog page and crawling into the safe refuge of solitude. But it wouldn’t be very courteous of me to just stop right in the middle of the story without letting you know how it ends, now would it? So here is what happened next…

When I returned home from Bali I felt amazing—light, clean, happy, healthy and changed. Like I was breathing new air. The amount of healing and transformation that happened in the 7½ months that I lived in the ashram was more than could be comprehended. But while I was so acutely aware of all that had changed, I also knew that the transformation was not nearly finished. I still felt an icy spot deep within that had yet to be thawed in order to complete the healing process with the cancer. I knew the fight was not over, but it was extremely difficult to admit to myself and others because I had worked so hard and wanted that freedom more than anything. I denied that ominous feeling week after week until I could no longer. My neck started visibly swelling like never before and I reluctantly dragged myself to a doctor. After several tests, the results came back showing Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Once again I was diagnosed with cancer, this time a little more critical. I was distressed, but not surprised. And I knew I had a choice to make…

Something strange happened at this point. That same intuitive sensation that so strongly rejected allopathic treatments in the first place reared its head once more, but this time asserting something entirely different. Before the doctors told me anything, I knew that if I didn’t do conventional treatment now, I would die. This didn’t at all change my adverse views on western internal medicine, but the feeling was something could I not ignore. This left me with a very difficult question:

Am I willing to die to stand up for my beliefs?

While I still have faith in the healing methods I have discovered, something immediate and drastic needs to be done to stop the rapidly progressing abnormal cell growth in my body. What I purposefully did not mention throughout this entire blog is the ironic fact that Hodgkin’s is one of the most curable cancers with conventional therapies (over 90% cure rate in early stages). This is something I was forced to consider. While I don’t fear death, it seems foolish, and even selfish, to give up this life so early when I am given another option that has been proven to work. While I may not agree with how it works, it seems to be the drastic decision needed to kick this cancer out of my body. So I guess it’s time to break out the big guns.

This week I start chemotherapy. I don’t know why, but it does not feel wrong like it did before. It feels like I am making the choice to live.

Now the greatest challenge is battling the feeling of defeat that dwells and swells within me. I wanted to prove that we can heal ourselves without doctors and pharmaceuticals; that nature can put our dis-ease at ease; that love heals all. While I still believe all of those things, I am also opening my eyes to the powerful forces of healing that western medicine provides for our current time and culture. Fatefully, these options are readily available to me. So I take the blow to my pride, letting it rip through my ego, shredding the once-concrete notions I had of myself and the world. I have discovered, however, that the breaking of the ego is the greatest step humans must take in their healing journeys. For it is the best way to get closer to our true selves hidden beneath.

So the story continues…